A new blog needs a new post right?

So I want to get back into the blogging world. Maybe this can be a journal for me to try to deal with all the emotions running in my head these days. The recital is over, I am very glad. Now I can concentrate on us as a family, and dealing with going to the doctor so much. Maybe without work stress I can deal with life stress and get myself under control.

For anyone who has had to endure infertility you understand. For those who haven't you will never understand what it is like to month after month be told you are not pregnant. Especially when it feels that everyone you are around is pregnant or has had kids with no problems. You get to the point that you don't want to go anywhere that you will see children. It is a constant reminder of what you don't have. I never thought I would avoid parties or social events or church or Sunday school. But I find myself becoming more and more of a hermit in my own home.

I have even become stagnant in my own faith. I don't pray, I don't read the Bible like I should, sometimes I even want to doubt my faith. Why would God put me through this. Then I get convicted...I don't have a 9 year old with cancer, I am not sick myself, my parents love me, I have an amazing husband, amazing friends, I have a job. This is a totally selfish desire. I want to be ok with having my husband and he be enough. But so many days I feel like I am contributing nothing to this world. I feel like I am much more compassionate than what I am giving. What is my life purpose. Right now all that could make me feel better is to hold my own child and know that I will raise this child to better God and the world. But I also wonder is once I have that child, what will I want next. Am I ever going to be satisfied with my life.